The Devil’s Dictionary994 terms |
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D3
- Delegation
- n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.
- Deliberation
- n. The act of examining one’s bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
- Deluge
- n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.
- Delusion
- n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising
Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many
other goodly sons and daughters.
All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee
Mumfrey Mappel
The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
Would fly abandoned Virtue’s gross advances. - Dentist
- n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.
- Dependent
- adj. Reliant upon another’s generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
- Deputy
- n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman.
The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and
an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk.
When accidentally struck by the janitor’s broom, he gives off a cloud
of dust.
“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried,
Jamrach Holobom
”To-day the books are to be tried
By experts and accountants who
Have been commissioned to go through
Our office here, to see if we
Have stolen injudiciously.
Please have the proper entries made,
The proper balances displayed,
Conforming to the whole amount
Of cash on hand — which they will count.
I’ve long admired your punctual way —
Here at the break and close of day,
Confronting in your chair the crowd
Of business men, whose voices loud
And gestures violent you quell
By some mysterious, calm spell —
Some magic lurking in your look
That brings the noisiest to book
And spreads a holy and profound
Tranquillity o’er all around.
So orderly all’s done that they
Who came to draw remain to pay.
But now the time demands, at last,
That you employ your genius vast
In energies more active. Rise
And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
Inspire your underlings, and fling
Your spirit into everything!”
The Master’s hand here dealt a whack
Upon the Deputy’s bent back,
When straightway to the floor there fell
A shrunken globe, a rattling shell
A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
The man had been a twelvemonth dead. - Destiny
- n. A tyrant’s authority for crime and fool’s excuse for failure.
- Diagnosis
- n. A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.