The Devil’s Dictionary994 terms |
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H2
- Happiness
- n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- Harangue
- n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- outang.
- Harbor
- n. A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the customs.
- Harmonists
- n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.
- Hash
- x. There is no definition for this word — nobody knows what hash is.
- Hatchet
- n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.
”O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,
John Lukkus
For peace is a blessing,” the White Man said.
The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred,
With imposing rites, in the White Man’s head. - Hatred
- n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority.
- Head-money
- n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax.
In ancient times there lived a king
G.J.
Whose tax-collectors could not wring
From all his subjects gold enough
To make the royal way less rough.
For pleasure’s highway, like the dames
Whose premises adjoin it, claims
Perpetual repairing. So
The tax-collectors in a row
Appeared before the throne to pray
Their master to devise some way
To swell the revenue. “So great,”
Said they, “are the demands of state
A tithe of all that we collect
Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect:
How, if one-tenth we must resign,
Can we exist on t’other nine?”
The monarch asked them in reply:
”Has it occurred to you to try
The advantage of economy?”
“It has,” the spokesman said: “we sold
All of our gray garrotes of gold;
With plated-ware we now compress
The necks of those whom we assess.
Plain iron forceps we employ
To mitigate the miser’s joy
Who hoards, with greed that never tires,
That which your Majesty requires.”
Deep lines of thought were seen to plow
Their way across the royal brow.
”Your state is desperate, no question;
Pray favor me with a suggestion.”
“O King of Men,” the spokesman said,
”If you’ll impose upon each head
A tax, the augmented revenue
We’ll cheerfully divide with you.”
As flashes of the sun illume
The parted storm-cloud’s sullen gloom,
The king smiled grimly. “I decree
That it be so — and, not to be
In generosity outdone,
Declare you, each and every one,
Exempted from the operation
Of this new law of capitation.
But lest the people censure me
Because they’re bound and you are free,
’Twere well some clever scheme were laid
By you this poll-tax to evade.
I’ll leave you now while you confer
With my most trusted minister.”
The monarch from the throne-room walked
And straightway in among them stalked
A silent man, with brow concealed,
Bare-armed — his gleaming axe revealed! - Hearse
- n. Death’s baby-carriage.