The Devil’s Dictionary X™1,267 terms |
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B3
- behavior
- one’s reactions in response to another’s actions; Chinese handcuffs.
- behavior analysis
- 1. a series of texts, insultingly redundant to both professionals and patients, which is widely accepted by psychologists over the world as a step by step method of getting mildly fucked-up people to break down and believe they’ve got to confess everything to someone just because he or she has got a framed certificate on a stuffy library wall.
- 2. the belief that manipulative behavior is constructive, but only when mixed with enough patronizing repetition and sneeringly arrogant postures.
- 3. not the belief that feelings don’t exist.
- 4. not the belief that feelings don’t exist.
- 5. not the belief.
- 6. feelings don’t exist.
- 7. whoah, what happened there?
- belief
- 1. the convenience store of the soul.
- 2. conviction of truth in a supposition, especially the wild imaginings of prominent historical religious lunatics.
more at faith, suppository, and religion. - bender
- twenty minutes of beautiful and fanciful memories remaining from 9 days worth of hard core consumption of alcohol.
- Bible
- 1. Greek for “Book.”
- 2. when used with the definite article, “Bible” refers to a specific book of two main divisions, the first of which prescribes and codifies, at great length, the death penalty for such heinous offenses as working on the weekend and not seeking a rabbi’s approval to have a hamburger, and the second part prescribes love for everyone but queers and prostitutes and their children.
- bibliophile
- one who can only be sexually aroused by books; antonym, bookworm.
- bicycle
- a method of transport derived from a geometric theory that the closest distance between two points is pain.
- biker
- 1. white, filthy rich, income in the 6 to 7 figure range; driving a BMW, a Ducati, or a rebuilt Triumph.
- 2. white, just filthy, income in the petty crack to meth dealer range; driving a Harley, a Harley, or some piece of crap Honda that looks like a Harley.
see also motorcycle cop. - birthday
- an annual 24-hour chink in one’s cynicism, during which a few quick jabs
of disappointment can inflict wounds that fester for a lifetime.
see also anniversary, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, and so forth.