OpenDevil » The Open Devil’s Dictionary

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The Devil’s Dictionary X™

1,267 terms

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The Devil’s Dictionary X™

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rape
1. the Biblical term meaning marriage.
2. post King David and pre-1980: any non-consensual sex.
3. post-1980: all sex where consent forms have not been filled out and notarized.
4. the prison term meaning marriage.
rapist
one who rapes; the raped being historically referred to as rapee, though the related employee is gaining in popular usage.
rapper
1. an overproduced ghetto poet.
2. a salesman of hypnotic, inane self-absorption and rationalizations of depravity; one who believes strongly in oneself, one’s temporary clique of party-time friends, and, sometimes, God; a glamorized asshole.
Rapture, the
the joyous rising to Heaven which the 144,000 best Christians will experience upon the onset of the world’s end; thus far 75 generations of the faithful have missed the date in favor of providing nutrition for nematodes but the living hold out hope we’ll all die together soon so they may see God’s face and the rest of us can take our rightful place in Hell serving the Devil iced tea during a 10 minute damnation break each millennium.
rather
a word used in Britain for quaintness, e.g., “rather pointless,” in college papers for contrast, and by children to express which fast food chain they prefer.
rave
an open-air version of the early 1970s marketed to children.
résumé
1. a targeted collection of lies.
2. an uncomfortable combing of one’s past for any events conveying: “I’m better than you deserve but have such low self-esteem that I’ll never bring it up during salary discussions.”
see also volunteer-work.
3. elaborate fabrications regarding one’s qualifications for sucking it up; a virtual make-over.
reach
just shy of the minimum distance one is safe to vocalize truth.
reading
one of the seven lost arts along with letter writing, conversation, good diction, responsibility, rational thought, and foreplay.

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