OpenDevil » The Open Devil’s Dictionary

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The Devil’s Dictionary
Baal
n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word “babble.” Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun’s rays on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom.
The Devil’s Dictionary
Babe or Baby
n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf.
          Ere babes were invented
          The girls were contended.
          Now man is tormented
  Until to buy babes he has squandered
  His money. And so I have pondered
          This thing, and thought may be
          ’T were better that Baby
  The First had been eagled or condored.
Ro Amil
The Devil’s Dictionary X™
baby
the generic term for the brand name Bundle of Joy™—the active ingredients of this product include: screams, green feces, and urine stained shirts; the inactive ingredient being, of course, joy.
The Devil’s Dictionary
Bacchus
n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
  Is public worship, then, a sin,
      That for devotions paid to Bacchus
  The lictors dare to run us in,
      And resolutely thump and whack us?
Jorace
The Devil’s Dictionary X™
bachelor
1. a man whose entire wardrobe hangs down the backrest of his one chair.
2. one who, when forced to choose, will purchase an “oil can” of Foster’s beer over anything comparable in price.
The Devil’s Dictionary X™
back
the physical feature by which your acquaintances can most readily recognize your mother.
The Devil’s Dictionary
Back
n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
The Devil’s Dictionary
Backbite
v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.
The Devil’s Dictionary
Bait
n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.

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