OpenDevil » The Open Devil’s Dictionary

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The Devil’s Dictionary
Debauchee
n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
The Devil’s Dictionary X™
debt
the dedicated artist’s only lifelong companion, apart from hard work; the pay-off.
The Devil’s Dictionary
Debt
n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- driver.
  As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
  Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
  Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
  Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
  So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
  Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
  Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
  And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
Barlow S. Vode
The Devil’s Dictionary X™
debtors prison
the most centralized community of writers in the United States; a year-round writers’ convention.
The Devil’s Dictionary X™
decaffeinated coffee
1. are you kidding?
2. a tiger without stripes, a lark without song, your mom without a “date” on Saturday night.
see also non-alcoholic beer.
3. I mean, you have got to be kidding.
4. a sucker punch that takes an hour to realize and all day to recover from.
The Devil’s Dictionary
Decalogue
n. A series of commandments, ten in number — just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.
  Thou shalt no God but me adore:
  ’Twere too expensive to have more.
  No images nor idols make
  For Robert Ingersoll to break.
  Take not God’s name in vain; select
  A time when it will have effect.
  Work not on Sabbath days at all,
  But go to see the teams play ball.
  Honor thy parents. That creates
  For life insurance lower rates.
  Kill not, abet not those who kill;
  Thou shalt not pay thy butcher’s bill.
  Kiss not thy neighbor’s wife, unless
  Thine own thy neighbor doth caress
  Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete
  Successfully in business. Cheat.
  Bear not false witness — that is low —
  But “hear ’tis rumored so and so.”
  Cover thou naught that thou hast not
  By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
G.J.
The Devil’s Dictionary
Decide
v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
  A leaf was riven from a tree,
  “I mean to fall to earth,” said he.
  The west wind, rising, made him veer.
  “Eastward,” said he, “I now shall steer.”
  The east wind rose with greater force.
  Said he: “’Twere wise to change my course.”
  With equal power they contend.
  He said: “My judgment I suspend.”
  Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,
  Cried: “I’ve decided to fall straight.”
  “First thoughts are best?” That’s not the moral;
  Just choose your own and we’ll not quarrel.
  Howe’er your choice may chance to fall,
  You’ll have no hand in it at all.
G.J.
The Devil’s Dictionary X™
deduce
to remove the Devil from a thing.
The Devil’s Dictionary X™
deep
opaque.

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